I Lost It!

Here's my story:

     The day I found out I was pregnant with Jules I weighed 123 lbs. I remember seeing the number on the scales and being horrified. It was even more horrifying than the terrible sickness that had come over my body. That night I was rushed to the hospital where I found out I was dehydrated ("Dehydrated!? How can this be?? I weigh 123lbs and I'm dehydrated!? I lost weight last time, not gained it!"). I was immediately hooked up to all kinds of machines and the tests started. Hours later I found out I had a life threatening shortage of potassium and I  was pregnant with either an eptopic pregnancy or a miscarrying fetus, with no sign of life in my uterus. A couple of hours of IV fluid and some K intake later, I was good as new. Pale as a ghost but good as new. And that was the beginning of the second worst and first best experience of my life. Becoming over weight  again, and giving birth to my miracle son.

     Fast forward through time and its July 6th, 2010. I'm rushed into the hospital and in premature labor, I weigh in at 150lbs and that's when they start pumping me with IV after IV after IV. I got married that day and thank God I was too delerious to care to think I got married and weighed 150lbs like I do now when I think back. By the time I had Jules the next day at 1:58pm they literally pumped at least 10 liters of fluid into me, maybe more because I had lost count in the delerium of trying not to have a baby that literally was forcing his way out of my undialted cervix. The day after I had him I ran around sick as hell from some infection I got giving birth, weak as hell, trying to get my marriage documents and name change documents done since I couldn't visit Jules in NICU due to my infection. That's when I discovered I weighed 155lbs. I weighed more than when I was pregnant with him, within a day of having him. At first I gave a hackneyed attempt at letting James words calm me "It's from all the IV's baby" "You're just retaning water baby" but after a week I still weighed 155lbs. It was like a nightmare within a nightmare that I didn't have time to care about because all I cared about was my seeing my tiny little baby inside of that big incubator.

     When Jules came home and I was feeding from the breast regularly it was more of a struggle than I had energy for. Breast feeding litterally took all of my energy away, all of the color from my face, and added terribly dark circles around my eyes that I still have to this day. I knew I should have discontinued breast feeding but Jules needed the extra nutrition, and I was still waiting to see the fast weight loss results that everyone talked about. Months later I finally had to quit; I couldn't take it anymore and I put Jules on 100% formula which is when he finally started growing from a tiny baby that could fit in the palm of your hand to a still very small one that could now fit in one of your arms. I didn't loose one pound.

     I can't remember exactly when I finally decided to try and start losing weight, but I know Jules was either 6 or 7 months and it started with walking. I lost the first 10lbs quick, I wasn't satisfied though, 10lbs in a little over a week was good but I needed to lose more. 145 lbs wasn't good enough and I wanted it gone faster. After some time I lost another 5lbs and was quite please with myself. 140lbs still wasn't good enough, but it was getting better, and I had lost almost all of my baby blob belly flab. I felt like a real girl again, mostly.

     So we visited James' mom and I felt good about it, his mom was about 90 pounds then, tiny little thing, seeing her when I was 140lbs felt better than 155lbs. But a bit less than a week later I returned home to find I had gained 8lbs. I was livid. I was hysterical on the inside and really, really pissed on the out. I became so depressed I gained a few more pounds and was averaging at 150-152 llbs. I didn't understand why I had gained back so much weight so quickly until I found out that my IUD that I had recently put in made you gain weight. Then I went from being depressed and pissed off to just pissed off and plain ready to rip the damn thing from my womb.

     After that I really started exercising. Six-hundred ab crunches, one thousand ab crunches, ninety minutes on the eliptical, etc. The pounds shed off quicker than I even noticed it and before I knew it I had lost another 20lbs bringing my total weight loss to 35lbs even though I was only 25lbs lighter. And it was that exact math equation there that broke me. I couldn't get over the fact that if I hadn't had to relose 10lbs that I could have already been at 120lbs. It wasn't fair, I had already been through so much, you would think the least I could do was not have to lose weight and feel good about myself just to gain it back and have to relose it. Not fair, not fair, not fair. I didn't care if life wasn't fair because I felt like I deserved this. But I was going to keep going, a letter in the mail told me I had 21 days left of my gym membership and I was going to make the best of it. But when I went to go exercise in between classes the next week I found out the letter had the wrong date on it, my membership was already canceled, and I dind't have the money for another one. 

     So I stopped, and I've yet to really get back into it. I exersize very little now but I eat healthier too, though I tend to I give in sometimes. I really have to make myself exercise because now my heart is never in it, because I feel like I'll never win. Because during the whole weightloss thing I felt like the world was against me. I'll never really know it if was, or if I just have really bad luck, but that's how I feel, and no matter what I do, no matter what encouraging words my loved ones say, it doesn't change how I feel, and I just can't help it. I like to think that maybe that was the price I payed for my sons life, but sometimes I feel like the hell of my very sick pregnancy and his one month in NICU should have been enough, damnit.

     Back to when I weighed 130lbs... Yeah 130lbs wasn't so bad, but I was still anxious to get to 120lbs. I lingered at 129lbs for a while, which was torture. I was in the 120's but still almost 130lbs, and sometimes I was 130 and 131lbs. It was a huge mind game the felt ever lasting. I felt like I'd never lose the weight, even though I knew I'd lose it if I just exercised more. But I didn't have the heart, I didn't believe it'd matter anymore.  Then James went to stay with his mom for five days without me and all of a sudden I weighed 125, sometimes 124lbs. When he came home I was skinnier and felt so much better, I was smiling a lot and it was great. But I was skinnier because I had starved myself. No I didn't completely stop eating but I started trying to only eat 800 calories a day again, and I was burning more than that in exercise. Without James there I needed something to keep my mind busy and so I went a little overboard, but hey I produced results!

     Except after he was home a for few days I started eating normally again. 1200 calories no more than 1500 and always some type of small exericise. Within two days I weighed 133lbs. Need I even express the anguish? I had all but given up, and then I gave up. And since then I haven't exercised but only three times. I got back down to 130lbs relatively quickly, then hung around in the 127-128 range for a while, but after some beach trips and the heat that I'm constantly sweating in, I am now at a safe 124lbs. I am 1lb heavier than before. It feels nice. I'll be exercising more, even though my hearts still not in it, and the summer will make losing weight easy as long as I can find enough baby sitter time to actually enjoy it. I'm 14lbs from where I want to be but I know by the end of the summer I should be 110lbs or lighter. Then maybe I'll have the heart for when I start strength training, and in the next year I should be a healthy 115-120lbs (you gain weight from strength training, hence why I wan't to get to 110lbs), what little bit of stretchy tummy skin I have left should be gone, and my breasts should be even firmer. What a trip this has been so far, and what a trip it will be. And as far as I'm concerned, if this was the price I have payed for Jules life, than it was worth it, and despite the mental anguish, I'd do it again and again. But please dear God, please never again ;)

My name is Krystal Smith I lost about 49lbs, I'm 31lbs lighter, and still going.