Happy Birff Day!!

Jules’  3d birthday (07/07) was…. Hectic, chaotic, but also nice. He enjoyed himself I like to think. Getting thrown out of his uncles house, witnessing his uncle verbally abuse his mother and not getting even a Happy Birthday, was the hectic part; finding somewhere to live until we could move out of state was the chaotic part. But we managed to get it all taken care of and still celebrate his birthday.

First we drove to the nearest city (which is nearly an hour away since we live in the middle of nowhere) and just drove around looking for some where to eat. We chose Ci Ci’s Pizza buffet which Julius thoroughly enjoyed. Usually when we go there on occasion we don’t let the little one eat any of the sweet stuff but before we left since it was his birthday (and it started out so terribly) I made him a small plate with 2 small squares of cinnamon buns and 3 small squares of fudge brownies arranged in a pyramid. He ate one of each and we went about our merry way to Toy’s R’ Us.

When we got to the toy store we told Jules he could pick any toy he wanted but he couldn’t have the first toy he saw (do all children want the first toy they see? Lol) First I went looking for the toddler digital cameras, and every single brand of camera they had only came in pink. It’s insane the deficit of boy things around this area. Then I went looking for a scooter (he discovered a love for them days before I thought it’d be perfect) and lo and behold every damn scooter was pink. Every decent toy Jules would have really enjoyed only came in pink. So we let him buy the car we gave him to keep him occupied and decided to look elsewhere.

On the way back to our county to check the Walmart there for a decent (boy) toy we drove by a paddle boat advertisement and thought “Sure, why not?” I was probably more excited than Jules, hadn’t been on one of those since I was a kid in Boston. The scenery was great and Jules was pretty good about staying still. We played a game where we’d get as close as possible to the trees without getting stuck and pick the giant berries so we had something to throw into the water for fun (we found out later they were immature flower buds haha). All in all it was very nice to just relax and enjoy ourselves as a family surrounded by such beauty. It was exactly what we needed after the morning that we had.

 

When we got back to town the local Walmart had the digital camera I wanted to get Jules in orange and Jules fell in love with it. It’s his favorite toy by far now, I only wish I spent the extra 10 $ and bought him the bigger higher definition one because this camera takes awful pictures and Jules is actually a pretty good photographer (know what to get him for Xmas now at least lol).

It wasn’t the birthday we wanted for him, he didn’t even get a birthday party or even a cake, we didn’t have much money to waste since Jules and I need it to move out of state so we aren’t homeless anymore, but all in all Julius enjoyed himself and so didn’t James and I.

 

Hoping to have a small birthday party for him in TN with his Ganny, figured I might make him feel a little at home in a new place. We’ll see *fingers crossed*

We Learn From Each Other

I'm always looking at my son with amazement. Everything he does amazes me and makes me laugh, even when he's having major behavior issues. I took him and our family dog Astrid for a walk to the wide trails back in the pits and they both loved it. He was able to run free (within reasonable distance) and Astrid was able to gallop around and roll around in the edges of the woods. I can't help but to look at him and see so much of myself. He's so in love with nature and freedom, he literally enjoys the act of running and insists on running everywhere all the time. When it came to the sand trails Julius was happy to run around like a wild child and chase Astrid in circles, but, both on the way there and on the way back he insisted that I held him.

"Hold Jules mommy."

"No baby, you asked mommy to take you for a walk so you have to walk, mommy has to hold Astrid on the leash when we're not on the trails."

"Mommy hold Jules please. I don't want to walk."

"We're almost there babe you're just being clingy and that's okay but you need to be a big boy and do things on your own sometimes."

"Hold my hand mommy?"

"Yes baby mommy can hold you hand if you can show her how you walk like a big boy."

[v Brave Face v]

The conversations I have with him are wonderful. He's growing up so fast. And he's going through so much. It's so fucking hard for me not to just hold him all the time. Because if it wouldn't make him into a brat with no understanding of not always getting what you want, I would never stop holding him. I see how confused he is about where his daddy is, and I hear him ask, sometimes even cry, for his daddy and it just breaks my heart. But it's the times through out the day like this morning at the trails, or when we were outside in the back yard, and then the front yard, and then the back yard again that remind me that despite everything my son seems to have complete understanding over a lesson that most adults remain ignorant or in denial of: just because you are suffering doesn't mean you can't still enjoy life and make the best of it. Maybe that's a lesson that's just too simple for some people to understand. Adult minds make things too complicated sometimes, which is why I firmly believe we are children first so that we can remember important things like running around crazy, wild, and laughing even if your dad has randomly disappeared from your life and you miss him all of the time. I have so much to teach him, yet he teaches me so much. One thing I can say is that this kid has inherited my brave face, which both makes me proud and breaks my heart <3

What I Hope You Can Be For Your Future Wife

Dr. Kelly Flanigan is a therapist who has seen women who needs a good man in their life time and time again. He wanted to write a letter to not only his little girl, but to every woman out there. It’s a fantastic reminder of what a man needs to be to his wife.

Dear Cutie-Pie,

Recently, your mother and I were searching for an answer on Google. Halfway through entering the question, Google returned a list of the most popular searches in the world. Perched at the top of the list was “How to keep him interested.”

It startled me. I scanned several of the countless articles about how to be sexy and sexual, when to bring him a beer versus a sandwich, and the ways to make him feel smart and superior.

And I got angry.

Little One, it is not, has never been, and never will be your job to “keep him interested.”

Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)

If you can trust your worth in this way, you will be attractive in the most important sense of the word: you will attract a boy who is both capable of interest and who wants to spend his one life investing all of his interest in you.

Little One, I want to tell you about the boy who doesn’t need to be keptinterested, because he knows you are interesting:

I don’t care if he puts his elbows on the dinner table—as long as he puts his eyes on the way your nose scrunches when you smile. And then can’t stop looking.

I don’t care if he can’t play a bit of golf with me—as long as he can play with the children you give him and revel in all the glorious and frustrating ways they are just like you.

I don’t care if he doesn’t follow his wallet—as long as he follows his heart and it always leads him back to you.

I don’t care if he is strong—as long as he gives you the space to exercise the strength that is in your heart.

I couldn’t care less how he votes—as long as he wakes up every morning and daily elects you to a place of honor in your home and a place of reverence in his heart.

I don’t care about the color of his skin—as long as he paints the canvas of your lives with brushstrokes of patience, and sacrifice, and vulnerability, and tenderness.

I don’t care if he was raised in this religion or that religion or no religion—as long as he was raised to value the sacred and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred.

In the end, Little One, if you stumble across a man like that and he and I have nothing else in common, we will have the most important thing in common:

You.

Because in the end, Little One, the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you.

Your eternally interested guy,

Daddy

[source: http://www.viralnova.com/daddys-letter/]

It Breaks My Heart To Say This

But this little boy that has captured my heart is going through hell. And it's only going to get worse before it gets better. But soon enough things will be bearable for both him and I. Then I can give him the life he has always deserved. I've got being a mom under my belt, I've just never had to be a dad before and it's time to start learning- for him.