I'm always looking at my son with amazement. Everything he does amazes me and makes me laugh, even when he's having major behavior issues. I took him and our family dog Astrid for a walk to the wide trails back in the pits and they both loved it. He was able to run free (within reasonable distance) and Astrid was able to gallop around and roll around in the edges of the woods. I can't help but to look at him and see so much of myself. He's so in love with nature and freedom, he literally enjoys the act of running and insists on running everywhere all the time. When it came to the sand trails Julius was happy to run around like a wild child and chase Astrid in circles, but, both on the way there and on the way back he insisted that I held him.
The conversations I have with him are wonderful. He's growing up so fast. And he's going through so much. It's so fucking hard for me not to just hold him all the time. Because if it wouldn't make him into a brat with no understanding of not always getting what you want, I would never stop holding him. I see how confused he is about where his daddy is, and I hear him ask, sometimes even cry, for his daddy and it just breaks my heart. But it's the times through out the day like this morning at the trails, or when we were outside in the back yard, and then the front yard, and then the back yard again that remind me that despite everything my son seems to have complete understanding over a lesson that most adults remain ignorant or in denial of: just because you are suffering doesn't mean you can't still enjoy life and make the best of it. Maybe that's a lesson that's just too simple for some people to understand. Adult minds make things too complicated sometimes, which is why I firmly believe we are children first so that we can remember important things like running around crazy, wild, and laughing even if your dad has randomly disappeared from your life and you miss him all of the time. I have so much to teach him, yet he teaches me so much. One thing I can say is that this kid has inherited my brave face, which both makes me proud and breaks my heart <3
"Hold Jules mommy."
"No baby, you asked mommy to take you for a walk so you have to walk, mommy has to hold Astrid on the leash when we're not on the trails."
"Mommy hold Jules please. I don't want to walk."
"We're almost there babe you're just being clingy and that's okay but you need to be a big boy and do things on your own sometimes."
"Hold my hand mommy?"
"Yes baby mommy can hold you hand if you can show her how you walk like a big boy."
[v Brave Face v]
The conversations I have with him are wonderful. He's growing up so fast. And he's going through so much. It's so fucking hard for me not to just hold him all the time. Because if it wouldn't make him into a brat with no understanding of not always getting what you want, I would never stop holding him. I see how confused he is about where his daddy is, and I hear him ask, sometimes even cry, for his daddy and it just breaks my heart. But it's the times through out the day like this morning at the trails, or when we were outside in the back yard, and then the front yard, and then the back yard again that remind me that despite everything my son seems to have complete understanding over a lesson that most adults remain ignorant or in denial of: just because you are suffering doesn't mean you can't still enjoy life and make the best of it. Maybe that's a lesson that's just too simple for some people to understand. Adult minds make things too complicated sometimes, which is why I firmly believe we are children first so that we can remember important things like running around crazy, wild, and laughing even if your dad has randomly disappeared from your life and you miss him all of the time. I have so much to teach him, yet he teaches me so much. One thing I can say is that this kid has inherited my brave face, which both makes me proud and breaks my heart <3
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