Julius Update!!

SO

He now weighs five pounds on the dot =)

His billirubin got pretty bad and they had switched him to just formula in hopes it would go down faster and, tada, it did! It's still a little high but getting better ;)

Oh and there's the little part of he's possibly getting discharged this weekend!

And I kind of want to cry. Really really hard and I'm not quite sure why XD

If not this weekend then it will be very soon! =)

I have a whole bunch of facebook stuff to go back and answer for everyone but I'm about to pump and I think that Malleri and Dj are about to come over.

So yeah that's it.

Oh wait. His NG tube is out too! He's been taking all of his bottles so he doesn't need it anymore. When I go there today this will be the second time I've ever seen my baby's face completely untouched. Now to get him home and off those monitors <3

Tata!

A Time To Write

I've been searching for the opportunity to write. Because not only did I have to wait for the time I also had to wait for the strength. I'm not even completely sure if I have the strength yet. But this urge has been burning me to my core.

Some days are easy. Well not really. Some phases in time are easy. Like last night when we went to down town 
Wilmington to clear our minds. That was easy. It was enjoyable. James actually forgot for a second that his father and his sisters have pretty much completely disowned him for what ever screwed up reason. I actually could bare the fact that my son is still in NICU three weeks later. We walked hand in hand, happy and in love as could be into a beautifully lit square. The lights in the trees lit up the empty fountain that we pranced around (and on). They gave light to the two homeless men talking casually to each other on the benches. It was just so wonderful.

Then we startedour return driveto the hospital and reality slowly sank back in. James' face got cold and his eyes glazed over "I just wanted him to be loved by everyone." Those words broke my heart. As ifJulius being in the hospital isn't tearing us apart as it is. I looked at James with I'm sure a disgustingly sad face and said "I know baby. Me too."


Maybe we feel like all the love in the world will bring him home faster? Like the more love, and the more prayers, the faster my baby will be out of the hospital. Because God answers prayers. It's been three weeks and I'm still shaking while I wait for him to answer mine. In due time I suppose.

I wonder if I'm too weak to pray hard enough.

I'm always saying to myself "I can't wait for my baby to be out of the hospital." Or I have to tell someone "My baby is in the hospital." Those words have a strange affect on me. James has always been my baby. And now when I say baby, I mean 
baby. Like a human baby that I gave birth to. And... he's in the hospital. It just doesn't make sense to me sometimes.

No Celebrations For This Lioness (poem)

Perched on a branch high in a tree,
I watch a pride from afar,
Lionesses playing with their newly born cubs,
Lions laying lazily in the sun watching the celebration.

Where is my cub?
Where is my celebration?

Hiding in the bushes I watch the cubs thrive and play,
Suck vigorously from their mothers teet,
Their mothers relaxing happily in their home,
Life couldn't be more perfect.

Where is my perfection?

Stalking in the savanna,
I watch the lion families lick and rub each other,
I smile, glad to see some joy in the world,
Glad to see happy faces everywhere.

Where is my joy?
Where is my happiness?

He is in with the witch doctor,
Sick but healing nicely,
My smile sits on top of a face of pain,
My perfection waiting for us to come home.

Perched on a branch high in a tree,
I watch a pride from afar,
Lionesses playing with their newly born cubs,
Lions laying lazily in the sun watching the celebration.

Hiding in the bushes I lay helplessly watching my cub grow from afar,
Dreaming of the jealousy I have of all the other lions.

The Jungle Is Not For Me (poem)

The Jungle Is Not For Me

The nurse walks in with animal prints on her scrubs and informs me she's getting his feeding ready and then disappears leaving me alone.

I look helplessly at the giant crystal box that holds my infant son and wander aimlessly around in my mind...

I'm in a jungle fighting my way through vines and snakes that hold my son from me.

I stare at my little catipilar wrapped in his cocoon, fighting against the blanket that keeps his wings from being free.

I glare at the lionesses, the dragon flies and little bunnies who pick and prod at his tiny body.

I cringe at all the threatening noises, so loud and ringing through our ears. beep beep

It's a jungle in here. It's a jungle in here...

The nurse re-enters the room with a warm smile and nursing tips.

I try desperately to feed him all that he needs to eat. I suckle him from my teet.

'It's okay son, mommy just wants what's best for you. Take your time.'

I think silently in my mind about pushing him farther than he's ready.

Because I'm ready to go home. The jungle is not for me.

Eye Lashes and Finger Nails

So on the 20th I was looking for Julius's eyelashes that I could have sworn he had and realized that he actually didn't. Then yesterday on the 21st not even 24 hours later, he had eye lashes! So my baby boy is growing up. He actually has eye lashes. And on top of that his little finger nails are getting harder and are no longer bluish, they were actually long enough to bite off! He weighed 4 lbs 5 oz last night and continues to gain weight. He even nippled an entire feeding today. For the first time! We're pretty sure that his whole problem to begin with was that the flow wasn't good enough. I think that's why he chooses to use my breast as a pacifier as opposed to food, the flow isn't all that strong.

Yesterday the Infant CPR and chocking class went well. James, mom, Ricky and myself were there with one other couple. It wasn't bad at all and I feel like we all learned it so that's good =)

Ugh I don't even know what else to write. Got to help give him a bath for the first time last night. He was so cute.

So much is constantly going on. I feel completely warn out and he's not even here yet. I wouldn't be so worn out if every 3 hours on the dot I had to friggen pump. Every time I get a damn chance for a break it's time to pump. Every time I get into some deep sleep, it's time to pump, then I'm up because pumping wakes me the hell up. My milk production is going all haywire again today. I got the go ahead from my lactation consultant to take fenugreek but I decided I'd wait to take it only if I continued having problems with my production. Then I started pumping 4-6 oz every sitting. Yeah that's still 4-8 oz less than what I was doing but it's still a great number. Than all of a sudden today my production was staying around 2 oz each pump. I just don't know what's going on. Half of me just wants to quite breast feeding, my sons not taking to it well, and I'm just So exhausted to the max I can't stand it and Julius is not even HERE yet. I know the whole hour drive it takes to get there each day and back doesn't really help either, driving like that daily twice a day can be pretty exhausting in itself. Either way. I can't wait for Julius to come home.

This whole him being there and me being here or not being able to hold him as much as I'd like thing is pretty much driving me off the deep end. Driving? Hell I've already driven off of it. But, this too shall pass. Eventually. Even if I do lose my sanity by the end of it.

Going up to Wilmington for 4pm tomorrow. Maybe do beach with James' mother before hand. She really wants to and I'd love to but because it takes me so many hours to get the amount of sleep that I need to at least be functional (never mind be rested completely) that I usually am getting up at around 11am or I'm getting up super early like I've been doing since I can remember then just being to damn tired to do anything. If I sleep till 11am that's too late to go to the beach and still be back in time to go to Wilmington at the time we'd like, and if I wake up early like normal, going to the beach will run me dry before my day's even started. We'll see what happens.

At 6pm tomorrow we're going to visit a whole bunch of art galleries. It's free. Part of some community thing. Anyways I think it'll be awesome. James is a huge artist so I know he'll enjoy it. We're staying the night again Friday. Saturday James has work. Sunday more job hunting. Monday James has work. And there will be lots of chores, trips to Wilmington, and pump sessions in between.

God please help me through the next month.

Updates On Julius Azlyn

So Julius is doing amazing. He's still nippling his feedings for the nurses but not as much as he should be. He does better for me and James, usually nipples most of his bottle if not all, so maybe he's just cranky. He gained more weight and is back at four pounds :) His billirubin went up again and is now at 11.5 but they said they'll check it again tomorrow to make sure he's not getting worse. Chances are is he just rebounded a little. Of course this makes him more sleepy and could be another reason why he won't nipple all of his food. Anyways, he's doing great and I'm relieved to hear it :) I'll be seeing him late tonight :)

Updates =)

Woke up in the reserved hospital room (that my son's AWESOME nurse got for us) early after getting hardly no sleep so I could pump for baby Julius and get ready for the long day ahead of us. Said goodbye to my little man then headed off to the Social Security Office in Wilmington. Got my name legally changed to Smith =) then headed off to the plasma donation site. Inquired about donating plasma. I can't because I'm breast feeding, but James can. So we'll be going back there. 200-400 bucks a month. Awesome? Chyeah. James wants to donate bone marrow ha... ummm ouch! That shit hurts. But no areas around here do that.

Well then we headed to the pawn shop and made a quick 10 bucks off an old player I had that we were expecting much more for. So then we headed back to the hospital and gave our love to Julius before we left. His billy rubin level is up from 12.2 to 13.3. Not so bad but still not pleasing. So poor baby is still under the photo-therapy light with his tiny little glasses on.

After that we headed home to get our work check for James' ticket he had to pay off and payed it off at the courthouse. Our car broke down on the way and then broke down again when we tried to drive to the Social Security Office down the road. Well we walked there and just prayed it'd work when we walked back.

We got our medicaid taken care of. James, Julius, and myself are all on the same insurance plan now so yay ^_^ We applied for food stamps and are pretty sure we'll get them so that's GREAT. I can finally contribute more to my parents. Then we were going to get my drivers license address and name changed at the DMV but my car is pretty much fucked so we put air in one of the tires that we had noticed was low and headed home.

Pumped again, ate a small meal, did some laundry, did the dishes, started to clean the bathroom, sterilized all my breast pump stuff and then attempted to make dinner but couldn't get a hold of mum to figure out what to make.

Now dad's home and attempting to fix the Ford. Hopefully he can fix it so we can meet James mom whose almost down from Tennessee in Wilmington so she can meet Julius for the first time. James has only seen her a handful of times in over a year now so I know he's estatic. We sent his father some pictures of the baby and got a nice response from him. I saw a glow in James after that so that was sweet.

Everything's going pretty darn well. Julius took to the breast yesterday and it was UBER cute watcing him get pissed and frustrated. He kept hitting and scratching because he wasn't used to the slower flow. He's just so friggen precious in every way.

I can't wait to take him home. <3 

Updates On Momma And Baby

Last night? Ugh. Terrible. I'll be going to the ER later tonight to get myself checked so I know a little more about what's going on with my body. 

This morning? Also terrible. Woke up with a fever which made it to where I couldn't visit Julius today. Broke my freakin' heart. 

But everything after that went amazingly well. 

I went to Thomas Drug to get my scripts for what ever the hell is wrong with me knowing that my messed up medicaid probably wouldn't go through. But surprise! I talked to the people and it half way went through. Paid for my painkillers but didn't pay for the medicine I need for my cough and chest. But, I was given a great deal on the price of the Tesslar Pearls and was able to pay out of pocket. Then of course I bought some cough drops so maybe I can quite coughing and straining my chest, heart, and well my down there places that are still very sore. 

Then we swang by WIC to see about getting a pump (ate a little ice cream first XD). The breast pump I have now according to my nurtrition specialist isn't going to be good enough to pump what a premee baby will need. So I searched all over for a pump I could rent from the area. Ran in to the BFF her sister and beautiful children so that was pleasant. Then found out that WIC has one breast pump but no apperatus. BUT! I brought my apperatus home and God must have graced me because by some miracle the breast pump they had was the exact match for my apperatus. Score. Brightened the hell out of my day! 

Then we went to Bolivia to deal with the medicaid situation. Woman there did me a great service. Technically I should still be on pregnancy medicaid for the next 60 days but I explained how I needed to be able to go to an actual doctor (which pregnancy medicaid doesn't cover), how i had the baby, got married and all that jazz. So she took our cases and put them all into one. As of Monday or Tuesday next week me, James, and Julius will all be on the same medicaid plan and completely insured. I wanted to kiss that woman for everything she did for me and my family. 

THEN we went over to Registry of Deeds, got our official marriage certificate and had a really lovely conversation with the women there. The main lady was like "I thought you were getting married the 18th?" and we all laughed about the coincidence of going into labor literally right after we filed for a our marriage certificate. So we now have our official (and laminated) marriage certificate. It's beautiful. Can't wait to have a place to display it. 

Of course through out the whole day I was SO weak. James literally had to lift me in and out of the truck. I could hardly walk. Any time I had to get up from sitting James had to help me support my weight. I couldn't breathe to the point of exhaustion. It was terrbile. But everything went so well I didn't care. James of course kept getting worried and everyone kept yelling at me for being out and about. But you know a momma's gotta do what a momma's gotta do; and I had to get my familys situation in order before I could even think about resting. 

So now I've been home, taken an ass load of medicine, pumped, slept, checked on baby, ate, drank, bathed, and now I feel worlds better. Still taking it easy though. Still have trouble getting about. I'm a bit loopey from the pain killers, cough medicine, and nightquil but I can breathe because of my inhaler. Everything seems to be falling into place. 

Hopefully tomorrow I'll be well enough to visit the baby. I was told he was quite fussy today but his paci kept him content. I know why he's fussey and it's because this is the first day ever in his life that he's been away from his mom and dad. But it's for the best. It kills me but it's for the best. 

NOTE: Sorry if I complain, bitch, fret, and get all anti-social. It's just that there's so much going on right now and I don't know what to do with myself. The emotional pain, the physical pain, I'm literally so out of it I can hardly keep a straight though half the time. But I just want everyone to know how much their support and love means to me. I seriously have the best friends and the greatest family ever. I couldn't be more blessed. With all the bad that just keeps piling on me, my loved ones and some of Gods grace keeps me going. I am so thankful, even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes, I truly couldn't be more thankful for everything everyone has done for me and I hope everyone knows that <3

Updates On Julius

So they baby had his first bath last night. Me and James weren't there for it but according to the nurses he hated it lol But fell asleep right afterwards so it must have done him some good. 

He got his first feeding today (via tube) and seemed quite satisfied. Me and James also got to hold him which was amazing. We named him while he was waiting to be fed and are quite satisfied with the name. 

His little head it badly mishappen and bruised. All that extra pushing he did to rip through my cervix built up fluid on the outside of his skull (not dangerous, just have ot take extra precaution now). His head is also VERY badly bruised but he seems to be healing quite nicely. The forcepts they had to use to guide him out since he was so dead determined nicked his little head too so all together his head is just in all kinds of pain but he doesn't complain much, my little trooper =) 

So I'm experiencing a lot more bleeding and cramping than normal people would (yay me) and the episdural medicine that they accidentally left me on for what... 5 hours? Instead of the normal one or two is probably what caused my sickness. But hey no fever thank God so I can still hold Julius and pump my breast for him. Of course my chest hurts to the point where I'm in tears and the coughing makes my uterus contract which contracts on it's own anyways afte I breast feed. It also has popped one of my stitches already. I'm just all sorts of messed up. 

Like was being sick through out the whole pregnancy, being harassed by dicks, put on bed rest, going into preterm labor,having my little man literally attempt to rip through my cervix, and now having to deal with driving back and forth to NICU for the next two weeks wasn't enough? My nurse said I'll be like this for a while. How. Uncool. Seriously. I'm literally crying every three hours from the pain, and Krystal doesn't cry fom pain. I didn't cry during normal labor pains, just when Julius was trying to fit his head through an opening that was no where near big enough to fit his big head through lol 

But again, at least he's healthy. And my family is here to visit. So yay ^_^ 

Hopefully I'll still be sane in the next few weeks.

Introducing...

Julius Azlyn Smith 

The name Julius Azlyn Smith induces a sense of freedom and adventure, risks and rewards, gambling and daring acts of courage. The name has passion and excitement. 

One senses that Julius Azlyn Smith can do anything, is extremely capable, and a true survivor. It is also highly flexible, can adapt to new circumstances quickly, and has excellent reflexes; often, important decisions are made in seconds, seemingly impulsively even. But due to sharp intuition and even sharper intelligence, those decisions are almost always right on the money. Youthful, dynamic and energetic, this name draws people who want things to be "different," and don't like the tried and proven. 

Social, outgoing, something skirting the acceptable - or even pushing the envelope of what is legal. 
Julius Azlyn Smith's most positive characteristics: Productive, dynamic, adaptable. Good at promoting self. 
Julius Azlyn Smith's most negative characteristics: Can be unorganized, scattered. Lacks direction. Needs maturity and discipline 

My Labor Experience

Th ebaby's heart rate dropped and rose periodically through out the night and up until he was born which was a bit disconecrting. They were waking me up non stop and making me move positions to get his HR back up as needed. With the lack of fliuid we assumed the cord was pressing against him in certain positions causing stress.

Baround 8:30am this morning I began to dialate more (3cm then). Around four hours later I started having some pretty severe contractions. I was only 6cm's dialated and the baby had decided he was determined to get out. Even determined to the point that he was literally in every sense of the phrase- attempting to rip through my cervix. Yeah I screamed quite a bit. It was really hard not to push with so much pain while the baby himself was trying to push through with all his might. He pushed so hard infact that my cervix because swollen! 

Then there was the added pain of the monitors. UGH. The baby did NOT like them. Them being on made him THAT much more determined to rip through me. My contractions were a bajillion times worse when they were over him and you could tell by my screams lol. I BEGGED them to monitor him a different way but at the time they couldn't. 

Well after my desperate screams of pain they gave me some beta (pain killer) to try and help the pain of the contractions along with the magnesium that was supposed to be stopping them (but didn't lol). The first two contractions I had after they gave it did hurt like a B but no where close to what it was... then ten mintes later I was feeling them just the same. Still loopey as shit but still feeling them. So I began my screaming and hyperventilating while trying not to push and tare my cervix while the baby attempted to tare it himself. They gave me another dose which again did shyte (besdies make me more loopey lol). 

So because the only way I could stop myself from pushing was to breathe in short breaths instead of long ones (which is stressing to the baby, even with my O2 mask on) they let me know that they couldn't force me but I really needed an epidural for the baby and mines saftey. So of course like I said before, if I was told I needed it, I'd get it. And I got it. They had quite a time calming me down from the pain inorder to give me the epidural but finally they succeeded. I just kept saying "Please God please God let this contraction not be so bad. Please God PLEASE calm the baby down. I can deal with the normal contractions pains but I can NOT stay still for the ripping through of my cervix and I do NOT need to be paralyzed." And whala :-) (Did I mention the guy who married us was a PRIEST!? Just like I wanted I was so friggen happy). 

A little while later mum, dad, and Ricky came in and James crawled in the bed to fall asleep with me. After a while I started feeling my contractions again. It turns out the epidural does NOT numb your vagina. And well he was in there desperately trying to make his way out. I was 8cm's and kept crying to them that he was coming. They tried to say he wasn' tbut I was like "look you don't understand I FEEL him in there. He's getitng PISSED at all the cords, thrashing, and trying to force his way through my not fully opened cervix". Well since I was 8cm and he was 9 weeks premature and I was having a TIME not pushing while he was pushing and could now feel it since he was fully lodged in my places, they decided they'd get some forcepts and help guide him out. 

Forcpets HURT like a B. For real. And you know, not even really hurt. I guess they were just so damn uncomfortable that I just couldn't take it. Well what... 30 minutes later if that he was born! No videous unfortunately. Not only was the normal team of doctors there, there was the added NICU team (which was why no one else could come into the room). Baby came out they showed him to me for all of two secondes, whisked him away to the other side of the room where James follwed and cut the cord and palputated my uterus to get the placenta out which came quite easily. They pushed all the blood clots and mess out and I just felt great. They gave him to me to hold for just a minute, took him away and James followed. 

I got some rest. I was tested and monitored for an hour or so. Then over two hours after the baby came they realized "Oops forgot to shut off yor epidural meds!" after they had already given me more pain medicine (on top of the lidacane for my stitches in my private areas) and I was like "Hmm that's why I can not move or feel anything waste down lol.

So the baby is doing great. He's breathing on his own. Getting some oxygen through a mask for some help and TOTALLY cranky. James said that he was beating EVERYONE up when they poked and prodded at him. First time I touched him I barely touched him and he attempted to hit me. So cute, what a little temper. We knew he's be that way because he was SO that way in the womb. Never liked kicking for anyone. Got mad and moved if you found him, and of course there was the killing me to get out through my unopened cervix because he didn't like the monitors. He's got a feeding tube for now but won't be eating till tomorrow. I'll pump breast milk if he can't feed from my breast. I actually might not even be able to hold him tomorrow. But he's doing so well that we may be able to leaving two weeks instead of the firstly estimated four/five weeks. 

I was first told that I'd stay for two days, then I was told I might be able to move tomorrow but my nurse in my new ward told me I'll probably not be leaving till Friday afternoon. I can finaly feel my legs again though I'm still a little loopey and my right leg is still pretty numb. I'm starting to get feeling downstairs and I'm a little scared to go to the bathroom and feel the stinging I know that I will ha ha

But yep that's it. Oh and my dad bought me a new car =) A 1998 Honda Civic. The EXACT car that we wanted and were looking for. Say what? Yeah my parents are awesome. Of course I already knew that but this is just more proof. XD

Ps. We're not naming him until we can actually hold him and look at him more closely.

Thanks for all the support, prayers and good wishes guys! I love everyone! <3 I tall means so much to me and my little family :-) Which will NOT be expanding (except with animals maybe lol) anymore for like... ten years. Seriously. ha ha

This is actually not his first picture. His first picture believe it or not is so much cuter. Never heard of a cute newborn? Not just saying this but he was DAMN cute! lol But those pictures are on my cam corder and I'm not uploading everything until I feel like going through the pain in the ass work for it XD I'll have to change file types and crap and I'm SO not up for it tonight lol

Pregnancy Is Not Easy!

Okay so I always knew it wasn't easy. I always knew there would be contractions in the last month or two and lots of back aches and foot aches and a lot of swollen feet. But God did I not expect this! I told James when we first found out "I can do this, I'm ready! I've read all the books, I've been around so many pregnant women, I know what I'm doing!"

Ha well XD I'm eating my words because I don't. There are no books on bed rest and my doctor always gives me conflicting directions, and the hospital will tell me to come in if I just tell them I sneeze. I never expected or knew how to handle the spina bifida scare or the fact that he's growing too slow now (even though he's at an okay length and weight), it's just all so confusing! When James said everyone experiences it differently I knew he was right, but I didn't take that into consideration going through this pregnancy. I complain a lot yeah I know but I've got nothing else to do and no one around me to complain to so facebook hears the blunt end of it since James can't because he's gone at work all the time.

But this note is here to tell James he officially is right. And also to inform my friends that although I have been taking it easy I've still not been resting enough or staying in bed enough so no more adventures =( I'm bed restricted again. Technically I never wasn't... I just thought if I was sitting up and not standing so much that counts but apparently it doesn't anymore XD

So no Avatar today, no South Port fireworks. Ugh! Worth it though. Just wish I was 36 weeks already because man am I going crazy!

Updates on the Baby =]

So the baby is 3.5 llbs. Which is an okay weight, a little below normal but still okay. Only thing is he's only gained one pound in the last month which is not really all that good. But then again for some reason I've not gained any weight in the last two months so that probably has something to do with it. And hell no I'm not starving myself lol.

Also his growth was in to 30th percentile last time and for some reason in a month he's gone from 30th percentile to 14th. 14th isn't a bad place to be but since he was in the 30th a month a go it's a little disconcerting that he's only in the 14th now.

But all in all he's healthy. Another check up in three weeks. Hopefully he'll be doing better then =)

He looked very happy this time with his little foot constantly in his face. I swear he was trying to suck his toe. My little cutie. He's always had his hands in his face on EVERY ultrasound we've ever seen, it's never failed. Until now XD So I guess he's discovered his feet lol.

I remember when little Ryan discovered his feet. He was probably a few months old and he constantly was lifting them up to his face. XD Strange my little man is doing it before he's even born, but hey maybe he'll be a gymnast lol!

The baby and his umbilical cord :)